Why Self-Care Feels Hard

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Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you know how important self-care is. It has become, in many ways, another thing for busy women to add to their list of things to do. It has become something we should do.

Ugh. There’s that should word again.

I have no doubt that women want to have habits of self-care. You want to feel healthy. You want to move your body. You want to have a calm mind. But the should still stands in the way.

I should go to the gym today.

I should eat more veggies today.

I should start meditating/journaling/doing yoga.

When self-care feels like a should, it will always feel hard. BUT sometimes you follow through on the should, and you know what happens? You feel better! You have more energy! You feel more at peace. Your body doesn’t hurt as much. You feel joyful and alive…until…

Have you ever gotten a prescription for antibiotics that you were supposed to take for 2 weeks? You feel awful when you start taking them, but after about a week or so you start to feel better. That ten day mark rolls around and it was like you were never sick, but you still have medicine left. You think to yourself, “I feel great! I don’t even need the medicine!”

Yeah. We’ve all done this. This is exactly what happens with self-care too. We start to feel good so we stop taking the medicine we most need. I still do it, and I consider myself to be a self-care expert.

Here’s the thing, y’all – self-care is hard.

It’s hard to keep up with. It’s hard to follow through with. It’s hard to make it a priority.

I get it. You’re exhausted. You’ve got a lot on your plate. You’re stress level is through the roof.

The medicine you need is self-care. And this is not a prescription you can stop taking once you feel good again. THIS IS THE THING THAT HELPS YOU FEEL GOOD!

Self-care might feel like an indulgence - and some of it is! But self-care isn’t just bubble baths and massages. Self-care is the deep work required to feel the way you want to feel even when that deep work isn’t necessarily fun . You might not like going to the gym, but you like the way you feel when you do. You might think you have something better to do with 20 minutes in the morning than meditate and journal, but it makes a difference in how you spend every other minute of your day.

Until you start to make the connection that self-care is the very thing that helps us feel the way we want to feel, it will only be a should. It will just be another thing to add to the list that will never get finished today.

What if self-care became your non-negotiable? What would happen if you started to recognize that your self-care is the very glue that is holding everything else together and without it, you will never feel the way you say you want to feel?

When you make yourself a priority, you are showing yourself that you matter and that you are worthy. You are worthy of your own love and your own care, just like you would give it to your family and friends.

It’s time to take care, ladies. Take care of you, because you are the only one of you that we have.

If you are struggling to create and follow through with habits that you KNOW you need right now, consider signing up for a Deep Dive Session. You would be amazed at how much progress you can make with just 60 minutes of deep listening to your own inner voice. You can schedule your session here.

Am I Better Than You...and other thoughts on comparison.

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Do you find yourself constantly ranking yourself and your life? Your thoughts might sound like:

  • I can do better than that.

  • How does she always make it look so easy and effortless?

  • I’m glad I’m not there anymore.

  • Where does she get the money for that?

  • Must be nice…

The list could go on, and no matter what the thoughts are I know this to be true: we all have them and there IS something we can do about them.

Comparing yourself to others can be a default mechanism that is so deeply ingrained in your system you don’t even realize you are doing it. It is like a knee-jerk reaction that happens whenever you see something you want (or don’t want.) And here’s the thing, it will pretty much always feel bad.

Yep, even if you come out on top of the ranking, if you are really honest with yourself, it never feels good.

The good news is there are tools for moving through comparison.

Gratitude

The quickest way to move through a feeling of comparison, which includes envy and jealousy, is to think of what you are grateful for. It’s really hard to be jealous of someone else when you are feeling grateful for what you have.

Gratitude is something you can practice in the moment, as soon as a thought pops up. It takes very little time to shift that comparing perspective to a moment of joy. It does take awareness, and the good news is, the more you practice it, the easier and more natural it becomes!

Curiosity

What would happen if, instead of judging your comparison, you got curious about it? I think most of you who are reading this would willingly admit you don’t want to be in comparison, so when it pops up you might get a little judge-y.

  • I can’t believe I’m doing this again.

  • What is wrong with me?

  • Why can’t I just mind my own business?

  • Why does my brain always do this?

These kinds of questions show that you are telling yourself the story that thoughts of comparison make you a bad person. Nope. Thoughts of comparison make you a normal person.

We are not our thoughts.

Let me say that again…we are not our thoughts. We get to choose which thoughts we will keep and which ones we let go. So when these thoughts pop up you can begin asking yourself questions like this:

  • Oh, isn’t this interesting? I wonder why I’m feeling like this right now?

  • Is that something I really want?

  • What would it feel like to have that? Do I think I am deserving of that?

  • Why does it make me feel better to think I am better than her? What am I really feeling?

This practice isn’t always quite as quick as gratitude, but it works in a different sort of way. These are great journaling prompts for days when you’ve had comparison-itis. Journaling will really help you connect to your inner voice and find the truth about where these feelings are coming from and why. When you couple curiosity and gratitude together you will start to shift these feelings.

Retrain Your Brain

Imagine that your thought patterns are like hiking trails in your brain. The trails your thoughts go down the most are well-worn trails, maybe even boardwalks, that are easy hiking. You would never get lost on one of those trails.

When you decide you want to stop feeling a certain way, it doesn’t just happen overnight - you have to make new trails for those thoughts. And this is like bush-whacking. There are weeds and trees and grass taller than you that you have to cut down with a machete to make that trail. You have to go back to that new trail day after day, until you start wearing a path in.

And until that new path is worn in, the thoughts, which have a mind of their own, will want to go down the old, easy path. And it’s up to you to change their course.

I love using mantras for this purpose. When you have a thought of comparison pop up, acknowledge it and remind yourself what you actually want to be thinking. It could be something like this:

Kelly, comparison is the thief of joy. (I like to say my name, because it gets my attention.)

or, even better…

Kelly, choose joy. (See what I did here? I shortened it and gave myself the power to choose.)

So it would look like this:

“Must be nice…” - old path

“Kelly, choose joy.” - new path

You can combine this tool with gratitude and curiosity and that is a triple threat to thoughts of comparison!

Your mind does not have to be ruled by feelings of comparison. You can choose joy! You can feel gratitude! Think about how life would feel if you weren’t constantly ranking your life experience with everyone else’s!

Let me know how these work for you! You can also listen to an episode of In Her Voice about this topic right here!

If comparison is something that you struggle with, listening to your inner voice is the way out of that struggle. This is a great topic for a Deep Dive Session. Click here to schedule your’s today.

You won't believe what I learned at the dentist...

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I had to go to the dentist last week and I was NOT looking forward to it. I really, really don't like going to the dentist...

Usually when I go to the dentist I do small talk and nod my head yes that I am okay and essentially show up as the "good girl," the perfect patient, trying so hard to earn my gold star by the end of the appointment. This time I gave myself permission to be okay with what I was feeling. I told myself I didn't have to fake it. 

So I went, plugged my headphones in, and just let the dentist do her thing. And you know what?

I realized the reason I hated it so much wasn't because of the dentist...it was because I wasn't being me. I was telling myself that what I was feeling wasn't okay, that it wasn't allowed.

How often do we do this in our lives? How often to we judge ourselves for how we are feeling instead of just allowing ourselves to feel it?

By the end of the appointment I was back to my normal, joyful self, able to participate fully in the small talk and it was such a relief!

All I ever have to do is just be me!

So here's my question...what does "being you" look like? Where in your life are you not allowing yourself to show up as you?

You are always welcome to show up in The Worthy Collective just as you are! Come on over and join us in celebrating our true worthiness each and every day!

One Foot Out: Little Things Make Big Differences

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Ever wonder why sticking one foot out of the covers is all you need if you are a little too hot? Why is it that doing something so small can make such a big difference? 

When I started creating a dedicated daily practice of journaling, it was the one small thing I needed to go from hot-mess-in-the-head (you know what I’m talking about) to calm AND productive. The huge bonus has been how much it’s helped me to connect with my inner voice. 

All of that in 5-10 minutes a day! (Although, now I often luxuriate in 30 or 45 minutes of journaling if I can!) 

What’s the one small thing you need in your life right now that will make a big difference?

If you want to give journaling a try, sign up for my free 5-Day Journaling Challenge. It helps you get started on your own journaling practice with ideas and prompts delivered straight to your inbox for 5 days in a row!

Listen Deeper

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Last night my husband jolted me out of sleep and said, “What’s that noise?” Of course, I was instantly on high alert, wondering what he could possibly have heard.

After I got over only being able to hear my heart pound with adrenaline in my head, I started to try to hear what he was hearing.

I could hear the rustle of the sheets...no, that’s not it, listen deeper.
I could hear the creak of our wooden floors...no, listen deeper.
Our windows were open so I could hear the fountain in our backyard frog pond...nope, that can't be it, listen deeper.
I could hear the breeze through the trees...no, surely it isn't that, listen deeper.

He finally said…”Oh, it’s just the pond,” rolled over and was instantly back asleep, leaving me wide awake to contemplate what it means to listen deeper.

There are so many voices inside of our heads, and if we really want to connect with the deep inner wisdom, we have to listen deeper. We have to sift through the layers...listen again...listen deeper...and finally we will hear the sound we have been seeking…
 

the sound of our own true voice.
 

What can you do right now to listen deeper? Maybe it's to start a daily practice of stillness or meditation. Maybe it's taking your earbuds out the next time you are on a walk. Maybe it's sitting down with pen and paper and writing what is on your heart.

If you are ready to listen deeper, but aren't sure how to start, sign up for a free discovery call with me. We will connect about what would work for you...maybe it's coaching with me, maybe it's something else. Either way you will have a start on listening and listening again and listening deeper.

The Art of Allowing

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You want to know what I did today?

I took a bath...in the middle of the day...with a cup of coffee and a book.

*GASP*

A few years ago I would have NEVER done that. I would have said to myself, "You SHOULD BE working. You NEED TO get these things done. You CAN'T do something so luxurious in the middle of the day while your kids are at school. You are being so LAZY."

(My inner mean girl can really get riled up when I start breaking the rules.)

Now, I have become a student of the art of allowing...allowing myself to listen to what my body needs, allowing myself to put self-care as a priority, allowing myself to set aside the should-bes and need-tos and let self-care be a necessity instead of a luxury.

And let me tell you something - it feels freaking awesome. It feels free, and it creates so much more space in my life to have the energy to create and be joyful and be loving and serve others. Taking care of me allows me to take more and better care of others. 

This wasn't an overnight thing and is still something I am working on. I'm intentional about it. I am mindful about connecting inward on a daily basis to see what my soul is asking for and what my body needs on any given day.

And, gradually, my inner mean girl is learning that when I take the time to take care of myself, I feel better...about everything. My inner voice is becoming louder than her rants about how lazy I am...in fact, sometimes she is completely quiet. I bet she's totally blissed out by how good she feels when she takes a break!

So my question to you is what do you need to allow more of in your life? What do you need to give yourself permission for?

If you aren't sure of how to even begin, sign up for a free discovery call today and we can figure out where is the best place for you to start!